October Tour.

I'm going on tour today with Dum Dum Girls and Crocodiles and I am so nervous that I feel like I am going to die.

I We-Blog My Mind.

I've been back in L.A. since September 4.
I love L.A. and had been really missing it.
I don't know why I am blogging right now.
I have nothing to talk about at length.
Twitter is taking over.
I use it more now cuz I have a really short attention span and am wicked lazy.
It doesn't involve a computer.

I just wanted to tell all you guys that I "got drunk" one time over this summer.
I drank whiskey with my boyfriend because we were really bored and had nothing to do.
I didn't get that happy euphoric feeling that I remembered loving so much.
In fact, I got really sad and ended up crying a lot.
It had never been SO clear to me as it became that night how fucking shitty and stupid alcohol is.
It was probably the worst idea I've had in a long time.
Every time I do something dumb I hear Antoine's voice in my head.
"You are really dumb, you are-you are really dumb..."
It turns adults into babies, and that's what they want.
It turns cool normal people into pathetic fucking douchebags who cry and don't make ANY sense.

I always feel bad for getting annoyed when I'm 100% sober around a grip o' drunks, cuz there's really nothing wrong with it, I mean people gonna drink. There are only so many shows on TV. If I was drinking too I'm sure I would be fine with it or at least drunk enough not to notice or care.

But drunk people are SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING.
They get close to you and spit on your face when they talk cuz they have all this liquid in their mouth all night and they stink like alcohol and beer and it makes me wanna puke.
Playing shows at bars - not getting any funner.

I definitely felt pressure to drink over the summer because I was hanging out with people who drink regularly, every day, whereas before when I was living in L.A. I was completely removed from that type of situation, and it was really good for me.
Sometimes you have to just take yourself away from all the bullshit. Even though it is sad and hard, sometimes it's the best/only way.

It was really hard to not be like, "Oh, well, I guess if EVERYONE around me is drinking beers tonight, I mean, I guess, sure I'll have one" because otherwise I would feel left out. Even though it was my own choice. And blogging about it now, it REALLY doesn't seem like that tough of a decision. Almost every time I would say, "no thanks." (And if you say that enough, people will stop asking you!) But there was a time or two when I drank one just because, you know? To be honest I tried to drink a PBR at one point and had to throw it on the ground after one sip. I was even sitting in a pool! But I just couldn't do it. How'd I drink so many gallons of that stuff BITD?

Also it's like, well fuck, if everyone around me is gonna be drunk, and I am gonna have to be near them, there's no way I want to be sober!
Pills help.

When I was still living in Oakland but had already stopped drinking, I would just go to the parties and smoke myself out in a corner.
Not that party-tastic.

I really wish I could just be comfortable enough with myself and my personality to go to parties where everyone is drinking and feel ok, but I'm not there yet.
I'm doing better, but sometimes my own mind turns on me.
(Plus having to hang out with wasted people is really annoying.)

I could do one of two things.
1) Decide it's not that big of a deal and drink a beer if and when I deem it appropriate. (But obviously NEVER pay for it.)
2) Put my foot down and never drink a drop again.

I like the idea of the second option, but it seems so uptight.
Then again, I don't gotta justify my actions to no-bo-dy.


So I'm not sure what I'll do.
Everything is different when you're alone.