Facts:

1) Boys love orange juice.


That is all.

Today is a VERY rainy, very DARK day. Kayla was a little upset by it earlier, being a dark and stormy time, she didn't want the Donkey to come stomp us. But then I reminded her that the Donkey only came on a beautiful day. So now we are both sitting in the living room, watching Sex and the City on DVD. Get higher, drink more coffee. That is a chant I just came up with as I was refilling my coffee mug and thinking about taking a couple of bong rips.

Get higher, drink more coffee!!
I think it'll catch on.

I'm also currently wearing a Mint Julep face mask. It makes my skin look green like an alien. Once I wash this shit off my face will feel glorious though. And it smells minty. One time when I lived on Allston St. in Allston, MA with Jaimee and Waffles, I was in my room (home alone) wearing a face mask such as this and suddenly a bunch of people came over and they all saw me in my face mask. One of them was even a girl I had never met before!! The rest were friends though, so I didn't mind. Then I washed my face mask off and Dan and I got stoned and played SPIT!


Speaking of the Donkey, I think now is a good time to post my story. It is kinda a silly story, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. I wrote it the other day while sitting in the chair.

Submitted for your approval....I give you "JOHNNY".

JOHNNY
By: Colleen Green

It was a dark and stormy night. It had been storming for many hours now. Johnny sat in a corner and wondered when the storm would end. He realized that he had been waiting a very long time, far too long of a time, and it was at that point he knew that soon EVERYTHING would change.
And then the storm stopped.
Johnny blinked. The room seemed so much brighter suddenly, and indeed the quietest it had been since before the kids came.
"THE KIDS!!!" Johnny exclaimed, and jumped up from his makeshift chair in the corner. He had been completely consumed by the storm for such a long time. While it was happening it had been all he could think about. All he could hear. All he could see. All he could smell. All he ever knew. All he ever wanted. The kids? They weren't even his. Who knows how long it had been since he checked on them last? Of course it didn't help that they lived in the servants' house out back. It was the easiest way to deal with them. They were fairly self-sufficient but without any company but each other, and nothing to do, they were slowly (very slowly) turning into REAL monsters.
Johnny approached the door of his small hut and put his hand on the latch. "Please, please please..." he begged of someone, I'm not sure who. He opened the door abruptly and jumped out. To his surprise the October day resembled something much more like a wonderful morning in July. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and healthy squirrels, chipmunks, and other assorted adorable rodents abounded in the field. Johnny smiled and took a very deep breath. He stared for a few minutes and remarked how beautiful it all was. He couldn't remember the last time he saw colors so vibrant as the ones here today, right outside his own hut.
"THE KIDS!!!" Johnny exclaimed again. Ever since the incident, he just couldn't concentrate on anything. The storm was the only thing that seemed to hold his attention nowadays. In some ways I suppose it was good for him, the storm - he never thought about her when it was raining. He never thought back to that night, when that unsavory man had galloped through on his donkey, which was also quite an unsavory beast........

The man and the donkey both looked as though they had been washed the old way and left to dry in the cruelest desert sun for many years. The man's skin was a bizarre reddish-orange-gray; he was a walking cadaver with a sunburn on top of a sunburn on top of a sunburn. Also, although he seemed incredibly old, when he spoke it was the voice of a man much younger and spry. The donkey was a miserable creature with bloody patches on its sides from where the man had been riding it, presumably for thousands of years. Together the man and his gross beast wiped out Johnny's entire family in about 10 minutes.
The quadruplets, stomped upon by the donkey. The donkey making that horrible grating braying noise the entire time, until their little lungs were as flat as the paper I'm writing on.
The wife, sweet Jane, cheeks like perfectly ripe pink lady apples, hair as soft and golden as Helen of Troy herself, demeanor sweeter than a thousand lollipops. Jane. Her.
Stomped upon by the terrible ugly donkey.
The man, watching all of this, grinning, his loose dry cheeks stretching to his ears in a truly heinous way, and letting out his normal aged man laugh occasionally making the situation all that much more uncomfortable.
And Johnny. The provider of the family. Man of the house. Just remained there on the picnic blanket the entire time. He couldn't move, he could barely understand what was happening. And he certainly couldn't fight this strange man and donkey, who seemed equipped with abilities and characteristics unknown to Johnny's world.
So he sat there. He sat on his picnic blanket surrounded by the things that made him happy, and not more than 10 minutes ago he had been feasting on these things (giant leg of mutton, grapes, every type of bread, corn on the cob, potato salad, and of course, delicious apple pie) with the people that meant the world to him. Now all he could do was sit and stare. The man got on his donkey and casually rode over to the picnic blanket.
"Now see here," the man said. "My partner is about to go into labor. We need this field, and we need your help."
"Help?! Surely you must be joking. I seriously can't believe you just asked for my help, me, Johnny, whose entire family you just stomped with your ugly donkey!" Johnny couldn't tell if this was reality or not.
"Well, if you don't help us, the donkey is going to stomp you, and we're going to use your field anyway and live in your hut." The man hopped off the donkey and set his gaze on Johnny, who now felt as though he was floating through space. The man's voice sounded so young, so cool, so fertile, it was soothing to Johnny, and that paired with the image of the weird twosome getting some kinds of nasty inside Johnny's own four walls was too much, so Johnny obliged.
"What...what do you want from me?" he squeaked. Was this REALLY happening?
"This is REALLY happening." The man said. The donkey snickered. Then it let out a horrible monstrous cry, and two writhing, slimy, disgusting morsels dropped from its donkey vagina. The morsels kept moving, and started to cry. Then they were bigger, their eyes were open, and they looked at Johnny. He almost vomited. In his life he had never witnessed so many off-putting things in such rapid succession.
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!" The ugly man screamed, getting angrier and angrier, kept screaming at the top of his lungs. Teary eyed he regarded the morsels, which by this point were the sizes of young bears with scales here, fur there, and oddly shaped teeth growing out of their bodies in many different areas. They were hands down the ugliest, most terrible babies born that year. The man knew that even he, with a heart as black and cold as a New England train track in winter, could never love these creatures, which to be honest were quite obviously not his.
He turned to the donkey and started, "Jesus FUCKING - " and then in just three bites he was completely gone. The donkey coughed. A tiny could of dirt mixed with limestone came out and quickly dissipated, sparkling in the brilliant afternoon sun.
"He never loved me," the donkey said in a strange turn of events. Johnny blinked. The donkey let out another stomach-churning cry and ran at full donkey speed into the woods, disappearing from sight not that quickly.
Johnny stood. He slowly bent over, picking the picnic blanket up off the ground, an utter disregard for the uneaten feast that remained perfectly arranged on it. He stumbled over to the babies, picked them up and wrapped them in it, kissing each one of them on their furry, scaly, slime covered heads.

And that was how it all happened. And yes, it really happened. But that was a long time ago. A very long time ago. Long enough that sometimes, Johnny forgets he has a family at all. And now he stands in his front yard, a perfect scarecrow.
"THE KIDS!!!" he exclaimed. He purposefully strode over to the servants' house, put his key in the lock, and opened the door.
"AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Johnny snapped to full attention and screamed, a scream unlike any he had ever heard, a scream he never knew he had in him. The multiple babies had now become one, and it was huge.
Now to say the babies had ever been cute would just be fucking absurd. In their toddling years they would have certainly given even the most twistedly deformed sea creature a run for his money. But as this new huge being the babies were absolutely grotesque. Their giant gaping mouth with its inefficiently placed teeth and abundance of mucus seemed especially bloodthirsty. Their arms - dozens of arms, covered with smaller weirder arms, slime, teeth, patches of fur, filthy - wanted to grab Johnny and squeeze him and make him really sad. And their eyes, new ones popping open everywhere, dripping blood and pus, I'm not sure why that would be happening but you can see how this was quite an ordeal for Johnny. Their eyes locked on him and the babies started to scream. The arms did grab him, they did squeeze him, they did make him sad. The teeth came together at the top of his head and worked their way down until Johnny was gone. The babies coughed, and a tiny cloud of glitter and brown sugar came out. It slowly dissipated in the dense, uneasy darkness of the room, and then it started raining.

Now

I am listening to The Fastbacks by playing some fake video of theirs on Last.fm because I just got a new hard drive in my computer for free and don't have any music on it. I am waiting for Nate to come over so we can record a bit. It is very cloudy and cold today. Nate is going to bring us some TP.

PEEK!

This will be short and sweet and then I'm going to post some pictures and hopefully drink some tea. I should probably go to 2 Star Retail and buy some TP as well, but I alllllways do that and I'm getting slightly embarassed.

SO, weekend, this weekend actually started off on Wednesday, when we all went to the Ruby Room cuz it was their anniversary or some shit and they were giving away free-ish drinks from 10-11. The Ruby Room is pretty okay except they stopped serving $2 well drinks to those with a student I.D. Greedy bastards. They didn't have a whole hell of a lot of glasses left when we finally elbowed our way to the bar and ordered 4 whiskey and cokes, so the guy gave us a glass full of whiskey and a glass full of coke. Which I was fine with. After sharing lots of whiskey and dancing to "Groove is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite, which is one of my favorite songs, we came home and ate delicious brownies that I had baked earlier.


This man was drunk.


Devin wanted to make a scary face. The bathroom was fun.


Kayla tried too but just ended up looking cute.


Thursday we all went to San Francisco to see Purple Rhinestone Eagle at the Stud. It was AWESOME. Adam Garcia was there. Purple Rhinestone Eagle was the best band of the night by far. Kayla and I split a huge joint in the van before they played which was a way better idea than sharing it with the other like 7 people we were with.


Van time with Lisa, Adam, and Steve O.


This picture totally sucks but it's the only one I took cuz I felt lame.


Friday was Steve O's birthday! I needlepointed him a picture of a guy lazing about on an island, drinking a huge frosty drink underneath a palm tree while the sun sets over the ocean. Kinda wish I had taken a picture of it. Anyway, Steve O's birthday was fun, his friend Luke gave me a bunch of free whiskey, I ate a piece of pizza dipped in ranch sauce and Luke and Kayla couldn't understand it. I saw the band Dead Dog who were good. I left after like an hour though, came home, ate cereal, and went to sleep.

On Saturday there was a show here at The Full House House. Shannon and the Clams, Forever, Dirty Cupcakes, and American Split played. It was a SUPER fun/posi party. At one point a neighborhood man who was trying to sell weed gave Dan a "free sample" which consisted of a very small pile of shake with a piece of a potato chip in it. We did not smoke it. I made Kraft Spirals and everyone loved them.


((((OKAY. Two things I forgot to mention about Saturday night.

1) Somehow two bears made their way to the party. One of the bears was brown, and the other one was white. They hung out outside for most of the time but then when most everyone had left I peeked inside the living room and the brown bear was just sitting there in the recliner!!! The white bear remained on the front steps. But at the top, mind you. Kayla had them both banished into the street. THE BEARS!!! where did they come from???? I sure as shit didn't know them.
But the GREATEST part of all, is that the next morning when we went to Fresh Donuts the brown bear was sitting in the front booth with a man.

2) Some jacked up guy gave me a weed rice krispies treat, which I love. It too seemed jacked up at first, mostly cuz of the guy, but then I realized it was delicious and effective. I tried to give Dan a piece, because I gave everyone a piece and didn't want him to feel left out, but then I dropped it on the kitchen floor and it rolled underneath the couch a little. Dan still ate it and got tons of gross shit in his mouth. I'm sorry Dan.))))


Dan and Nate slept over Saturday night cuz us and Kayla stayed up until like 5 am taking bong rips underneath a blanket. Dan and Nate were supposed to go to the last day of their recently acquired catering gig, but Kayla and I convinced them that it was a better idea to not go, hang out, and get high in a tent all day. It was easy! Then Matty and Tone came over for a bit. THEN we went to the store and bought supplies, THEN we made muddy buddies and they were really, really fucking delicious. Here I'll show you:

Muddy Buddy Recipe:

Chex cereal, any kind as long as it's niiiice and crunchy!
Chocolate chippies
Peanut Buttah
Powdered Sugar (we didn't feel like buying it though, cuz like, I can't think of that many things I would use powdered sugar for. It might just go to waste, you know?)

So then you melt some chocolate and some peanut butter together in some kind of air tight receptacle, then pour some chex in, sprinkle some sugar, seal the lid or whatever and shake your little heart out!!

What a wonderful melty confection! My cousin Susie taught me how to make 'em.

So, that was my weekend. It was a very long one. Sweet but not short. It's supposed to rain a ton now, and my landlord is coming over soon so I must go. Goodbye!

"I will go to an island that birds avoid and drink rum all day." - Me.

Well, this is the beginning of my blog. Seeing as I effectively quit my job today I figured now is a great time to start one. Plus I want to be just like Kayla (who is currently snoring in the rocking chair beside me. Don't tell her I told you she is snoring! She'll probaby deny it. She is going to read this.).

I will also use this blog to post pictures and tell charmed antecdotes of my life in Oakland, CA. In a month I will move to Los Angeles and hopefully continue this routine.

This morning, I called [insert name of giant clothing store chain here] because I wasn't feeling very nice and I decided not to go to work.

Phone: Ring Ring, Ring Ring.
Manager: Hello.
Me: Hey, _____? It's Colleen.
Manager: Yeah.
Me: Uhhh hi...anyway, I don't really feel good today and I don't think I'm gonna make it into work.
Manager: But [Name of Mega Clothing Chain] is trying to make $[some amount of money with at least 5 numbers in it] today.
Me: Uhhhh.....ok.
Manager: So you need to either come in or find someone to cover for you.
Me: Well, I can try to find someone.
Manager: It's NOT okay to call in on a Saturday when we're trying to make $[some amount of money with at least 5 numbers in it].
Me: I mean....I'm sick.
Manager: Find someone to cover for you and call us back. Okay?
Me: Uhhh, I'll try...
Manager (probably): CALL US BA-

*CLICK*

NOPE!!!!!!!

This fucking blog brought to you by the preceding phone conversation. No more work, for the rest of my days. That's a song I wrote once.

I was gonna post pictures, but it was taking way too long, and there's a show at my house tonight so I have to go TCB now. But I'm thinking tomorrow....yes, tomorrow I will post again.